Oh Oh Oh Oh Ohh The Write Stuff

I keep starting and deleting and re-starting and deleting. Then walking away and coming back and deleting again. I'm having a hard time just writing. Wait, no. I'm having a hard time just writing this blog. I can sit down and write out stream of consciousness for hours in my journal, but I've got this weird idea in my head that these entries need to have themes. I feel like other blogs I read are full of themes and metaphors and motifs and imagery and all those AP English terms. I'm not good at that. I'll utilize a solid metaphor every now and then, but for the most part what I say and what I write is just super sarcastic. And unfortunately for me, sarcasm does not boost up the scores on papers. Otherwise my English grades in high school would have been a lot different.

The thing of it is, I don't think I'm a good writer. Blame all those grades in English or in any of my classes that required paper-writing. Obviously the blog is different than a research paper on photosynthesis or a de-construction of The Catcher in the Rye, but I'm still writing. They are still my words on a page. And that's a little scary.

I don't feel like I'm a good writer and I don't like to do things I'm not good at. I'm not smart enough to be a writer. I don't have a big enough vocabulary or enough references to pull from. I wanna write scenes or sketches or even plays, but I'm blocked by the fear that if I sit down to write something, all that will come out is random words. "Pear bicycle lantern fruit fly. Hanger window, black oil tulip." I mean, you can't even play that off as Dada. It's just nervous gibberish.

File this all under "Reasons this blog is good for me". The only way to get better at something is to do it. Right? And this is the perfect platform for beginning writing. It's public enough that I can't just write about anything, I have a few things I wanna keep to myself, but then it's comforting knowing I'm not forcing any of this on any of you. If you don't wanna read it, then don't read it. Problem solved. Who knows, start with the blog and the next step? NYT Best Sellers List!! That's probably unrealistic, but at least I'll maybe feel a little more confident with my writing?

I'm trying to be more of a live-in-the-moment kind of gal in general. My improv teacher the other day said "You only have right now to make something great" referring to going all out during class and rehearsal rather than waiting for a performance. She's brilliant and so right. I spend too much time waiting for life to happen, waiting for the perfect audience. I have all day, every day to do something great. So let's do it.