Cryptic Stuggles

Are things happening in my life? Yes. Of course they are. Just because I haven't blogged in a bit doesn't mean all forward life action has stopped. Duh.

The thing of it is, I'm not ready to share some things with the world, with the internet. No, I'm gonna stick with "world", because apparently I have a steady following in Russia and Germany. But even you, my international friends, cannot yet know the current happenings of my life. Sorry, but not sorry.

It's the idea that if I write it out, if I post it, it's permanent. It's real. Obviously it is real. These things are really happening, I'm not refusing to fill you in on my dreams or some make believe. I just don't want to make it....official yet. Not that there's anything to be official. Or to not be official. I'm too in my head about it to tell other people. I feel bad for the people who are close to me and around me right now because I'm sure they're sick of me asking for advice but continuing to overanalyze their answers. I'm a thinker. I can't help it. I try to keep it to a minimum, or at least in a place I can control it so it doesn't run my life. But when new things happen, it's harder to get a handle on it. It's like the Hulk. I'm going about my day just fine, but then I see one thing, or hear one song, or a smell and all of a sudden HULK SMASH. But instead of me growing huge and turning green, I start thinking of every possible outcome for whatever the situation is. Or reason it's a mistake and I should forget about it and move on. And it makes me sweat and freak out and all I want to do is put my covers over my head and sleep till it goes away.

And usually I do. I don't like this feeling. I don't like unknown land. As much as I wish I would, I know I wouldn't volunteer to take the Ring to Mordor. I would avert my eyes and hope someone else would take it while I promised to have stew waiting as soon as they got back. I like trying new things, but there's a cap on it. If I try too many new things at once, or if one new thing in particular is too big, HULK SMASH. But this time, this time, for whatever reason, I'm sticking with it. Maybe just so I can prove to myself that I can stick with it. Because there have been quite a few moments when I wanted to run. When my heart was beating so fast and so hard that it was impeding my breathing as well as my vision. When the only thing walking me forward was my pride because I didn't want to pussy out and go home. It's exhausting to feel so many emotions every day. It's exhausting to continue with something when it feels like every part of me is resisting it. Like my very nature is pushing away and constantly, subconsciously telling me to run.

But I'm not running. No, that was the last post. And I'm trying to focus on the positive. Because, though it may not come across all that well in this post, there are positives. Reasons that are keeping me in it, aside from my stubbornness and pride to prove myself wrong. I'm just not sure yet if the positives outweigh the negatives. I guess that's not true. They do. Of course they do. Why would I still be here if they didn't? There have been wonderful moments. Moments, in fact, that I will probably never forget. It's another lesson. Another challenge to overcome. I'm not good at it and I don't like doing things that I'm not good at because it's scary. But, like we've mentioned before, if I never DO anything I'm scared of, how will I ever get better?

Maybe it is a mistake. Maybe my HULK SMASH moments are actually my warning signs going off and I'm just ignoring them. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm trying to keep my panic attacks to a minimum. And I'm making peace knowing that even if this is all going to end horribly, I'll be learning from it. I'll have an excuse to drink wine and watch sad movies. I'll have a new perspective on things. And I'm convinced that I'll use my pain and my tears to create beautiful art. I don't know what kind of art, or how all that will happen but those are details I'm not worrying about now. So many artists work from pain and I'm going to be one of them, I'm sure of it. But until then, relax and breathe.