Hello.
The purpose of this post is to end my non-posting streak.
No. It's not that simple.
I haven't been posting because I haven't known what to say.
Wait, not there yet.
I haven't known what to say on the blog because I have fallen, once again, into the "no one cares what I have to say." "I'm not a good writer." "I'm not even a writer." "My life is going nowhere." "Who am I?" "I think I'll watch another episode of Lost instead." trap.
In short, I've been in a funk lately. I could go into more detail, but I did that yesterday in my own paper journal that's just for my eyes. Sorry I'm not sorry. Girl's gotta keep a little mystery.
The upsetting thing about feelings is one rarely has control over them. As hard as you try, you cannot make yourself feel an emotion that does not naturally occur in your body as a reaction to something. Trust me. I've tried. They just do their own thing. I don't like that. I like to be able to control things. I know, surprise, right? I like to be able to identify a problem and solve it. I often wonder why I didn't go into a more math-related field because my mind works so well that way. I feel like I've mentioned this before in some other post. It's on my mind a lot, my frustration with feelings. Which is such a silly battle to fight, because I'm never going to win. I'm just going to feel and then get upset about feeling and then feel more. It's usually at that point when I shut down and lock myself in my room with Cool Ranch Doritos and a SVU marathon.
I am getting better. I assure you. Getting better at accepting the feelings and dealing with them. But I'm afraid I'm always going to try and resist them. I just feel like I can get so much more accomplished when I'm not thinking about how I feel. I was watching Star Trek the other day, the one with Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto obviously, and I found the Vulcan life so appealing. Being able to control emotions so they never affect decisions or judgement. I don't think that was the point, but it's a movie and I can take whatever I want from it. And, yes, things didn't work out super great for them, but that wasn't their fault. I would throw in a *Spoiler Alert* but at this point, the sequel is out, so if you don't know what happens in the movie, I don't imagine that you'll care.
I was talking to a couple friends about falling into depression and how to get out of it. We all had reached that point when nothing makes you happy and you can't figure out why. Even though you try to shake it off and look at the bright side and think of all the wonderful parts of your life, the dark cloud remains. We determined/reminded ourselves that there is no quick fix. It's annoying and cliche, but the only thing that will fix it is time. Just, day-by-day moving on. I believe there are ways to speed the process along, like determining the things in life you have control over changing and changing them. Recognizing you are in a depression and proactively working to remove yourself from said depression. Because, my friends, fried food and alcohol only works for a day or two. Continuing to indulge in unhealthy habits will just make you more upset. Trust. Me. I'm not saying a night or two to partake in the glory of processed foods, desserts, bar standards and so many dranks will not feel great and fun, but guess what, if you're partying to forget and avoid, you're going to wake up the next day with a headache, feeling greasy and like the only thing you accomplished was increasing your pant size and decreasing your wallet. Of course I know nothing about this directly, I've just...heard from friends, and I read an article...I would never be so reckless and immature.
I could take this time to tell you how exercise often helps improve your mood, making you feel healthy and like you're doing good things for your future self. I could break down how even if you finish or succeed at nothing else during the day, at least you can check "work out" off your To-Do list. Maybe I would even try to put into words how it feels like you're sweating out your sadness. But. I won't. Because the last thing a grumpy person wants to hear is "Well how about you go for a run!!" Or, "I know this great yoga class!" Or, "Have you tried free weights?!" I like working out and I would want to punch you in the throat for that advice. That's a decision the grump in question needs to reach on their own. The only exception being Chris Traeger. I'd listen to any advice he gave me and you would too. But in all seriousness, I've been pounding the pavement hard this week and I already feel better. I'm not cured. I'm still feeling so many feelings. But I finally see a break in the dark cloud residing above my head.
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